Friday, 13 February 2015

The Comet Landing - a dramatisation

In which Philae the robot lands on a comet, not once but thrice, amid general rejoicing. A loosely paraphrased adaptation of the live TV broadcasts and twitter commentary. Soundtrack here.

Rosetta: Have fun!
Philae: (detaches) Wheeeeeeeeeeee

500 million kilometres away, a Nice Lady is speaking to the TV cameras and Assembled Dignitaries. She is almost the only woman in the room.

Nice Lady: We're going to talk to some white men about science.
50 million girls: Mummy, is she a scientist?
Mummies: No darling, she's just a TV presenter.
Assembled dignitaries: 7/10 I would.
Nice Lady: Mr Churyumov, thank you for joining us. You discovered comet 67P...
Churyumov: No, but I was on many committees. Now I will sit on more and better committees. I tell you story of entire life until now.
Nice Lady: Please continue.

45 mins later

Philae: eeeeeeeeeeee
Churyumov: ...and that is how I got the credit.
Nice Lady: Thank you Professor. Now let's talk to this chubby middle-aged woman whose name I have already forgotten. Aren't you excited to be getting all this attention from so many important men?
Gerasimenko: (through interpreter) Not really. Never before and never again will they give for me time of day.
Assembled dignitaries: WTF LOL she looks like my housekeeper. (all check Twitter)
Nice Lady: How did you help Professor Churyumov make this important discovery?
Gerasimenko: (through interpreter) I did the scien-
Nice Lady: That's all we have time for. Now we need to talk to a person who was in high school when the hard work was done on this project, but is about to be given most of the credit.
Matt Taylor: This is very exciting! I am finally gonna get laid.
Matt's shirt: I LIKE SEXY LADIES
Everyone watching: He looks like a PUA.
50 million girls: Mummy, what's a PUA?
50 million boys: Dad, I wanna be a PUA.
50 million dads: Hehe, ye little tyke.
Nice Lady: What would you like to say with this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to inspire a generation with your humility and insight?
Matt: I am literally hard right now.
Matt's shirt: LOL TITS OR GTFO
50 million dads: Finally a scientist who can communicate like a normal person.

Soon after

Philae: eeeeeeeeeBOING wheeeeeeeeeee
Politician: I fought tooth and nail against this project through five committees, but I now claim some credit because I, too, am a white European male.
Nice lady: Why did you oppose the project?
Politician: It cost 1.4 billion euro.
London: LOL we spend more on taxi fares.
NASA: LOL we spend more on websites.
Pentagon: LOL we spend more on toilet paper.
German politician: This was successful because we all worked together.
British politician: We won the war so we are better than you.
Nice Lady (turning to NASA representative): As a world-class scientist and black woman, why are you here?
NASA rep: They let me do this because it makes Europe look bad, and because it's not a very important job.
Philae: eeeeeeeeeeeeeBOING wheeeeeeeeeeee
Nice Lady: Now let's go to mission control.
Scientists: None of us have had a shower for three days.
50 million girls: Look mummy! That scientist is a lady!
Aghast mothers: And she isn't wearing a BRA. FOR SHAME.
Dads: 5/10 didn't notice tbh.
Philae: ...sup
Rosetta: ...sup
Scientists: WOOT
Politicians: This has been a great day for humanity. Women and people of colour should also be pleased for us.

2 days later

Nice Lady: Do you have a good connection to Rosetta?
Scientist: Yes, we have clear radio contact...
Rosetta: ...28kbps wtf D:
Scientist: Unfortunately the lander's solar panels aren't getting enough light, so Philae has gone to sleep. Here is a cute cartoon.
Philae: ...all a-a-alone... so d-dark... and c-cold... (dies slowly in pain and despair)
Nice Lady: A question from the public: why didn't you use plutonium batteries for the lander?
Scientist: Because some people in Europe are politically opposed to killing everybody in the world.
Everyone in the USA: OMG LOL PUSSIES
Nice Lady: Matt, tell us how sensitive you are.
Matt's other shirt: (no comment just like the clothes everyone else has been wearing all week)
Matt: I sexually harassed 100 million people on Tuesday. I apologise if anyone was offended. I will now weep because they are so mean.
Everyone in the world: Boys will be boys.
Richard Dawkins: True feminism is white male scientists criticising women's clothing choices, never vice-versa.
Actual scientists everywhere: Shut up Dawkins.

Meanwhile, in homes around the world

50 million boys: Let's play scientists and PR ladies.
50 million girls: Tell me, Professor Boobyshirt, how did you do this amazing science thing?
Boys: I will only tell you if you suck my willy.
Dads: Hehe, ye little tyke.

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